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I’m looking at the calendar, and yup, it’s the end of the month. It’s almost like clockwork at this point. I can always tell when I’ve come to the end of another month, because I can feel my hormones working in overdrive.
The swings between feeling down to feeling productive to feeling lethargic to feeling anxious are longer and more pronounced as I slowly make my way through this alien perimenopausal landscape.
Of course, this month’s downswing was perfectly timed with me finishing my most recent book, The Radium Girls. I had a new book to pick, and I had a specific goal in mind this time around: Happiness.
I hadn’t realized how vast the happiness book industry was until I started searching for a new book to read. Everything from Oprah’s best happiness book picks to picks from an entire site devoted to happiness, happines.com. It was a bit overwhelming, to be honest.
But then I remembered a dinner party where a friend mentioned the book, 10 Percent Happier. I hadn’t thought much about the mention at the time. I mean, only 10 percent? Really? That seemed like a very, very modest return.
Of course, given the rampant consumerism that plagues the happiness and wellness industry, maybe that modest promise was actually a selling point.
I read the summary and saw that the book was written by a journalist. Definitely a point in the book’s favor. Someone who made it their professional life to be skeptical and ask questions. And someone that had a job that was full of extraordinary stresses. Another check.
I purchased the audiobook and started listening.
And I was immediately hooked.
The author, seasoned journalist Dan Harris, is an appealing narrator, and I absolutely related to his constant state of anxiety and hypercriticalness of himself. I’ve spent so much of my life chasing after self-improvement. I’ve taught myself how to draw, how to paint, how to play piano, how to write short stories, the list goes on and on. I listen to podcasts while I do chores and to audiobooks while I go for daily walks. I try to stuff every single minute of my day with learning, and what I’m slowly beginning to realize is ultimately distraction.
As I’ve gotten older and the stresses have started to mount, I have also taken to looking forward. Looking forward to the weekend. Looking forward to vacation. Looking forward to the holidays. Looking forward to retirement.
I was filling my present with distraction and with always looking ahead to something that I didn’t yet have. All of those precious moments of the present, I was just frittering away with anxiety and worry.
But, after listening to the Harris book, I’ve started to become intrigued with the power of meditation. What I have really enjoyed about his book is that he starts genuinely curious about the different books and gurus that have talked about being mindful, like Deepak Chopra and Eckhart Tolle, two names that have been touted by big-name celebrities. But, when these big names in the well-ness industry couldn’t give him actionable guidance to help him still his racing mind, he started to look broader. He looked into Buddhism and then into meditation.
I’m not at all educated enough to write anything in this blog post about Buddhism, but in my nearly fifty years of living, I do know that if I start taking deep breaths, I can instantly feel my heart beat starting to slow. I can feel my jaw unclench.
I also know that if I stop and pay attention to the smells and sights and sounds around me, I feel more present and less anxious. I’ve started to do this when I eat and when I snack as well. If I’m having popcorn, for instance, I slowly taste the popcorn and pay attention to the feel of the soft popcorn flesh melt on my tongue. When I am present to my sensations, I feel more satisfied after I’ve had a smaller amount to eat.
As for the meditation portion, I’ve started small. There are a variety of free meditation podcasts available, and the one that I’ve really started to enjoy is one called Meditation Minis. This podcast is hosted by Chel Hamilton, a certified hypnotherapist. I don’t know anything about hypnotherapy, but I do know that she has a very relaxing voice. Her short meditation audios are the perfect length, usually around ten minutes, for me to fit into my day.
I just did one that had me able to quiet my racing brain for ten minutes. A small feat, yes. But one that has turned my day right around.
If the thought of quieting the anxious voices in your mind seems like an impossible task, I definitely recommend taking a few minutes to breathe deeply and focus on the present. Scan your body and take note of your sensations.
Take another deep breath and just be.
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